1. To learn and practice basic mindfulness skills.

2. To be more patient and accepting of yourself and your child(ren).

3. To stop parenting in ways driven by stress, frustration, anger, irritation....

Saturdays from 1-2:30 pm beginning October 29, 2011. Groups take place for 6 Saturdays; there is no group on Thanksgiving weekend. Please note that all participants will complete an individual session before the group to determine goals and provide a group orientation.

The group is held at 3055 Plymouth Rd, Ann Arbor, MI (basement conference room). Intake sessions for non-AACS clients and orientation sessions for all participants will generally take place at our main office (5331 Plymouth Rd)

What is Mindful Parenting?
Let's start by first defining what we mean by mindfulness. Mindfulness, in its simplest form, is generally described as moment-to-moment, non-judgmental awareness. It has that quality of accepting things, just as they are, right here, right now. It’s a state of mind that “rolls with the
punches” and allows us to respond to life on life’s terms. Such a state of mind doesn’t come so easily to most of us. How often do we find ourselves wishing that some facet of our lives was different; if only we had more money, gone back to school, had more (or fewer children), weighed less, were more attractive, then we could be happy? This is where mindfulness
comes in – not that we look at our lives through rose-colored glasses, but we accept our reality for what it is in this moment. This non-judgmental acceptance of our reality – both the external facts of our lives and our inner, emotional world – creates the possibility of true peace and happiness. Such a stance doesn’t mean that we don’t work towards changing or
improving those aspects of our lives that require it – it does mean that we see clearly and be aware of our motivations, thoughts, and emotions prior to acting or responding to others (and ourselves.)

Mindfulness takes more than just good intentions, however. As a species, we have evolved to look for danger and to plan ahead, in order to avoid fatal missteps. This tendency predisposes us, at times, to focus so much on the future that it prevents us from enjoying what is right in front of us. It also can make it difficult to realistically evaluate how much true danger is present in any given situation.

This knack we have for identifying potential hazards also makes it more likely that we will remember current and past problems rather than remembering all situations (both good and bad) equally. So, given our propensity to search out and remedy all possible danger (real and imagined) how are we to shift our focus and become accepting and non-judgmental of our present moment (and all those other people who are here with us as well?) It turns out that, even if we’re not very good at it to begin with, we can practice or cultivate moment-to-moment, non-judgmental awareness. This can be done both formally – through
meditation, and informally – by taking time out during the day to actively pay attention. These practices, both formal and informal, help to retrain our brain how to pay attention to what is happening right in this very moment, with acceptance and non-judgment. Over time, our brains get better and better at doing this and mindfulness becomes more and more our
habitual way of being. When we are more mindful beings, we are generally more accepting and compassionate with ourselves and everyone else. In addition, this acceptance and compassion make it easier to deal with the inevitable struggles life sends our way. We know this to be true, because study after study indicate that those people who practice mindfulness (usually through a formal meditation practice), do much better in managing the stressors that many of us currently, or will, face such as chronic illness, and pain, depression and anxiety.

So…how does mindfulness fit in with parenting?
A parent’s ability to be fully present with their child, with acceptance and non-judgment creates an environment in which a child can make sense of their feelings, reach out to their parent for help, reassurance and nurturance and have a sense of themselves –through their parents’ eyes – as a loveable, worthwhile human being. Just what is it about a parent’s ability to be fully present in this moment with his/her child, without judgment, that helps in being a better parent and in the child’s experiences of being parented? From the world of attachment theory we know how crucial it is for a child to feel felt i.e. for a child to know on a gut level that their mom or dad really gets what it feels like to be them, that the parent is okay with the entire realm of the child’s experiences, and that the parent has enough space and love to tolerate however big the child’s feelings are -
perhaps not all the time, but much of the time. We also know how important it is for children to have assistance from an older and wiser adult in making sense of their internal world; their thoughts, feelings, memories and experiences and to have the awareness that their internal world is accessible, understandable and very much okay. We know these things are important because children’s brains grow and develop in large part
through their relationships with others. Children whose parents display warmth, kindness, empathy, curiosity about their internal worlds, tend to develop these same characteristics in relating with themselves and others. This is critical because it influences how we make sense of painful feelings within ourselves and how well we can self-soothe; it also shapes how safe
it feels to reach out to others for help and how comfortable it feels to have close relationships with others.

Much of the time, parents are very good at doing this – helping their child work through the pain of getting a bad grade or being rejected by a friend. Sometimes, however, the child's thoughts, feelings, experiences trigger something in the parent – and the parent has a hard time assisting their son or daughter because the parent is having a hard time with their own
thoughts, feelings and memories. It can be as simple as a parent remembering his or her own experience of rejection by a best friend or as complicated as the parents' history of childhood loss or trauma makes it difficult to stay regulated when their child is angry or sad.
Sometimes it can be a matter of a child acting-out so repetitively and publicly that the parent feels ashamed and helpless to change the course of events for their child or family. Such shame and helplessness can elicit parental feelings of being a “bad parent” or a “not good enough parent.” These feelings can then get in the way of making sense of the child’s
behavior and maintaining an empathic yet structured stance towards the child. Sometimes it can just be a matter of a child not exhibiting the qualities we wish they had i.e. smarter, more at ease socially, more motivated to do homework, not talking back so much, etc. The desire for a child who has qualities that we think will make their lives easier in the
long run can sometimes make it difficult to accept who they are in the short run. Mindfulness is one way we have to help us stay calmer and more attentive when big stuff is happening for us inside our bodies and minds. It can help us notice long enough to identify why we get so riled up when certain subjects or emotions arise with our children. This noticing then can help us integrate these painful feelings and body sensations into our own
narrative so they don’t feel so toxic and overwhelming. It helps us to have compassion for our own reactions and mistakes and this compassionate stance towards ourselves translates to a more compassionate stance towards our children. This is how we see the benefits of integrating mindfulness with parenting.

$35 per session ($60 per session for couples). Sliding scale available. BCN insurance accepted.

Lisa Inoue, LMSW 734.996.9111 ext 221

Robert Martin, MA, LMSW 734.996.9111 ext 213